With 2014 here. Saying goodbye to 2013 has to be the easiest thing ever. We had a year full of extreme highs, followed by some low blows.
This blog is meant to be an open book to our lives. I think I have done an excellent job sharing each bit and piece of our lives along the way. I don’t know how many of you follow other bloggers. I have TONS that I check up on daily. I have found my favorites, the bloggers that keep it real! I appreciate that more than anything.
It is so easy in a world full of social networking to get caught up in what people share with others. Most of which consists of the highlights of their life. Posting their new threads, the cutest of drool worthy outfits that I day-dream of being able to afford or even know how to put together. Their house that is decorated to the T, remodeled with the best of the best as I jump up and down for a table runner I snagged for 5$ at Target.
Of course bloggers want to share the good stuff. Showing the bad stuff can make you feel sluggish and unappealing. In my eyes though, as a reader of other bloggers, it makes me feel more connected and more normal than ever. Which leads me to the real reason behind the post. The elephant in my head that I cannot ever clear away, but needs to be addressed to lighten my load.
Nearly a year and a half ago I posted this post My Bucket List
It was a post full of all the things I wanted to do before we started trying for another child. Just a few short months after writing that post, a long year (ish) followed of not feeling 100% myself (stomach issues mainly). I was in and out the doctors left and right. Never really getting a direct answer, always just a guess as to what was happening. It took me until this past summer to start feeling better. It was the longest year ever.
This past September Dan and I were over the moon excited to start trying to get pregnant. The time was right, and I was feeling so much better. We anticipated that the “trying” part would take a while, since our last pregnancy (Owen) was nearly 7 months of trying to conceive. Luck was on our side though, and in October we found out we were expecting! We were shocked, and feeling extremely blessed. The anticipation to tell our parents was through the roof but with Thanksgiving and Christmas right around the bend we figured we would wait till we were at a safer point to share the news.
Within a week or so of finding out I started feeling cramping. Which, I had with both pregnancies, and it only lasted a short time frame. I called my OB, went in for urine tests, did everything to “double-check” that nothing else was going on. Just for reassurance. I spent everyday convincing myself to stop thinking the worse and not to worry!
It was so difficult keeping the amazing news from friends and family. We are around our loved ones constantly, there were at least 30x I nearly spilled the beans.
Dan and I talked names, nursery details, and truly couldn’t contain our happiness for expanding our family. The boys had no idea. They knew mommy and daddy were “praying for a baby”. It melted our hearts as at random points of the day the boys would put their hands on my belly and ask to pray for a baby brother or sister. Dan and I would grin knowing that their future baby brother or sister was already on it’s way!
November 11, we were planning a cook out for Dan’s side of the family. It was a beautiful day out and we wanted to soak up whatever warmth Cleveland had left. After errands were run, and food was prepped, my cramping continued, so I made sure to kick up my feet and play it cool. Keeping my mouth shut – and trying to not be obvious. I had stopped drinking months earlier (so relatives wouldn’t jump to assume I was pregnant when I didn’t have a glass of wine in my hand) I had been taking prenatal vitamins for months in preparation. I knew I was doing everything I could to maintain a healthy pregnancy.
The doctors told me not to be alarmed with the cramping, if I started to “spot” (blood), not to panic just call. Sometimes that can be normal. Dan went outside to start grilling, and I sat alongside family chatting away. My cramping increased, and I was getting really uncomfortable. I went upstairs to use to bathroom, and within seconds, I knew exactly what was happening. Blood in amounts I couldn’t describe… pain that was radiating through my lower back. Much like labor pains. I hurried downstairs and outside to pull Dan aside to tell him I knew I was miscarrying. My voice trembled, my hands were shaking, it was all I kept thinking about the past few days in my head, and now it was happening far to quickly to grasp.
Dan looked shocked, upset, and angry all at once. He looked devastated. We knew I had to get to the ER. We had a house full of family and food 1/2 cooked on the grill. Everything could still be okay, or everything could be going all wrong. I knew we had to ask for help watching the boys, and this is the last way we wanted to announce our pregnancy to everyone.
Inside we walked, and asked for everyone to keep an eye on the boys, tears started falling quicker than I could hold myself together, “We were pregnant, we didn’t want to tell you this way, but now I think were miscarrying”. I don’t even remember anyones reactions, I was completely out of my head at the moment. We left, arrived at the ER, and were taken back immediately. With a few tests and an ultrasound later it was confirmed that we had indeed lost the baby.
“Lost the baby” Such a strange way to describe this scenario. I kept my composure the majority of the time. I have had friends and family experience miscarriages. And have known many of women who have lost their babies much further along in their pregnancies. I remember laying on the table for my ultrasound and running through lines in my head as if I was already writing this post. “I always wondered what it would be like…” and “welcome to the club” Not that it’s a club you want to belong to. I just have a strange way of bringing humor into uncomfortable situations, it makes things easier for me. I was now a mother who had lost a baby. I now did not have to wonder what it would be like. It’s not a club you want to join, but there is comfort in knowing others who have gone through it.
Our third child is one that Dan and I never got to meet. We never got to see the baby on the ultrasound screen and see it’s heart beat. We were grieving a baby we never would get to hold. It is the most difficult thing to process. Still to this day I cannot wrap my head around it all.
Towards the end of our hospital stay, I broke down a few times. Trying to gather my tears and remember how fortunate we were to have two beautiful boys back at home and that we did everything we could have. I remember saying “If we would have told our families sooner, maybe they could have prayed for us” It was so difficult to call my mom on the way to the hospital and tell her the good and bad news all wrapped into one. I could hear the sadness in her voice and I could hardly get the words out.
The first week or so was extremely difficult. Some may think “You were only 7 weeks, it was early” At the same time all I was thinking, was Brody was 7 weeks at one point, so was Owen, and they were celebrated just the same. This baby just didn’t make it the whole way. There was no difference to me. Our sweet baby #3, one who we will meet again someday deserves just as much recognition as any of our other children.
Overall, I have been doing great. I know and firmly believe that everything happens for a reason. I count my blessings each and every day for what we have as a family. We have a little angel with us at all times. It’s easier to think of the miscarriage than it is to start thinking of the baby. As if it is two different things. When I hear of women who are expecting this coming summer, it reminds me that our baby would have been here this June as well. It’s a hard pill to swallow, but we must keep reminding ourselves that we are healing a day at a time.
I sit here crying as if I haven’t thought about it in a long time. And really, I have done my best not too. I still do not understand how to deal with it all. If I should or shouldn’t be thinking about it everyday. If it’s okay to be okay with it, or I should be in tears each time I think about it.
Now I know, looking back, that Brody and Owen were praying for a reason, they were connecting with their baby brother or sister far more than I could have imagined.
We are sad. We are blessed. We are looking onto brighter days, knowing we have a little angel we will one day meet again.
Thank you to all the friends and family who sent sweet messages during that rough time. We know things will happen when and how they are supposed to. Our journey as a family is in much bigger hands.
We pray for those who are pregnant, awaiting the arrival of their new addition. We pray for those who are trying to expand to their family, whichever avenue you take. I hope this new year brings a lot of light and love into your homes! Sending hugs your way!