warning :: this post is sheer rambling.. a post of me typing, thinking, and giving myself a mini therapy session.
My biggest fear of being a “stay at home mom” is waking up when I am 50 and not knowing anything else from being at home with my boys. I always run into the ever popular question when meeting people, “What do you do?” and I almost want to say nothing. What am I going to write when I go back to work on my resume? Hair Stylist with background in lactating, playing, preparing meals, and painting rooms? I struggle daily with my decision to be at home a lot. Our decision was based on how we felt we wanted our boys raised, and what would work best for our lives. Not because we are against having help, or paying for a sitter, or because my husband is secretly a millionaire and we can afford it. In my profession as a hairstylist, “coming and going” in and out of maternity leave is not ideal to retaining clients. After having Brody, and going right back to work for another 2+ years, I was doing great. Balancing work and home life the best I could. I definitely felt like I had a rhythm going, and work was my oasis. My ME time. Once Owen was born, subconsciously we both knew I was not going back to work. Dan’s work schedule has him out of the house from 9:30am-7:30pm, and he has one week day off that fluctuates, and Sundays (thank god for Sundays).
We are lucky enough that are parents are young and vivacious to help with the boys, but they are not retired and have open schedules to help. Facing the music was hard, what was even harder is realizing what it is like to truly be a full-time at home mom. Our boys are BOYS. To the maximum. They are rambunctious, temperamental, messy, hysterical, and more. Owen is almost 15 months and acts just like Brody, picking up on every behavior possible including temper tantrums. My vocabulary during the day time is repetitive. “Where’s your binky?” “Brody WATCH your brother, you almost kicked him in the head!” “Owen, did you poop again!?” “Where did you put that booger?” “Brody-put your clothes back on.” Over, and over again. When Dan goes to work, when he walks in I envy him. Working all day, and making a living to provide for the family. It seems so credible. There are days when he comes home and the house looks the same way when he left, and dinner is not cooked yet, and I cannot help but feel overwhelmed. Entertaining and cleaning up for two kids is a merry-go-round. Until their in bed, much of the cleaning and prepping is a waste of time.
I can see why working mothers and stay at home moms have secret mental battles with each other. Working mothers want to be at home. Stay at home moms want to go to work. Which title is harder – which is easier. My thoughts have always been scattered. Maybe because I miss working? Or maybe because I am envious of women who can balance it all. I have moments through the day where I think, gosh, if my kids were in daycare all day and I was at work, I would miss them. But I would not have 10 hours of not being able to accomplish anything. 10 hours of fighting naps, someone else would do that for me. Then I would pick them up, and they would look so cute, and love me so much because I didn’t have to be the one telling them no all day. Do dinner, have some play time and they would go to bed. Sounds like a cinch. I wouldn’t have to be so worn out and cranky, and irritable. I would have a break, go to work, get paid, have a life outside of my house. While working mothers would do anything to not have to scramble in the morning, get the kids up and ready – sick or healthy – drop them off, work all day long, get the kids, get dinner done if you have any energy left, and then the few hours you have with your kids seem to be over before you know it.
I can see it all …. I give all mom’s out there a lot of credit. Whether working full-time, part-time, or staying at home. NONE of it is easy. For now I know, we would love more children if it is in the cards for us. I know that feeling inside of me of “accomplishing” something will never go away. Going back to college and completing my degree will be an essential part of my time being at home. If it takes me 2x as long that’s okay. I figure if I am at home, it will only be for so long. But I do need to take a step back and look at Brody and Owen and realize I have accomplished a lot. More than I ever. For now I WILL (do my best) to enjoy this crazy phase in my life, soak up every moment possible. Because I will wake up one day and my boys will not need me to make them breakfast, they’ll be driving themselves to school. I need to realize that life is short, and even quicker with kids. Our family is my world. Not my work, but my world. So, I need to stop beating myself up. Someday I will be back at work and missing these days.